Classic Tommy Cooper

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that

you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Cheap Booze in ASDA  

Husband & wife shopping in ASDA when man picks up a crate of Stella & puts it in the trolley.

"What do you think ur doing?", asks wife "They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans". He says

"Put them back, we can't afford it", says wife & carries on shopping.

A few aisles later, wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream & puts it in the trolley.

"What do you think ur doing?", asks husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful", she says.

Hubby says........

"So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price!!!!"

Husband/Boyfriend of the Year Awards

The  honorable mention goes to :

The United Kingdom

...followed closely by The United States of America

and then ...............   Poland

but 3rd Place must go to ........ Greece

it was very very close but the runner up prize was awarded to....
............   Serbia

but the winner of the husband/partner of the year ...... is ..........
Ireland

You’ve got to love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics.  Look, he's even holding her hand.

P.S……..Coincidentally??

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy ..

Show this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Show it to all the men just to annoy them    ......
Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You grow old because you stop laughing. 

Dear Dave: Do us a favour

Boardy Senior (Ian Boardman) and Boardy Junior (William Boardman) recently made their first appearance together in same team for the 3rds against Widnes - it was aslo the first time they had played together in a 'proper' game.. 
William goes on the field at wing but moves to stand off.  Ian goes on at scrum half.  We win a scrum, Ian passes the ball to William, who beats the opposition stand off and races 25m outpacing the defence to sore under the posts. 
Widnes hand Ian the ball for the conversion - he looks around only to find everyone on the ½ way line, so has to take the kick and miraculously converts his son's try! 

The match report looks like this
".... Boardman goes on to the wing and is quickly moved to stand off, Boardman joins the match at scrum half.  Boardman puts the ball in, Boardman passes to Boardman, Boardman scores a try which is converted by Boardman putting a smile on Boardman's face....oh, and Boardman's as well.....  

The last picture on 3rd team web page of Widnes game is in fact William scoring his first senior try.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf" .

Reports are reaching the club of a dramatic crime-busting effort by three club members in Wigan last saturday.
According to witnesses a thief emerged from a chemists shop in Mesnes Road, near Mesnes Park in the centre of the town, clutching a raft of stolen items and followed by a female shop assistant crying 'stop thief'....
The scum bag's day was about to get very, very bad.....
Enter stage left no less than the Vets 6'6" 19 stone Scott Buckley, who just happened to be close to the chemists and who was on his mobile phone at the time. Dropping the phone, Scott pursued the thief up Wrightington Street. By another amazingly bad coincidence, the considerable figure of Ian Gormley was just setting off in his car when he witnessed the attempted getaway. Swinging round his car and screeching to a halt, he joined the foray as well.
And just to make it a hat trick for the hapless thief, who should emerge from the shadows but no less than the Vets Andy Lewis, who also came to the rescue.
Scot Buckley effected a citizen's arrest as an off-duty officer and laid the thief low on the pavement as the chemists' staff poled up to offer their thanks. Full security and pin down was guaranteed by the presence of Messrs Lewis and Gormley. Then the recalcitrant thief, face down on the floor, decided to take the initiative and made  unfortunate remarks about various aspect's of Goose's anatomy, which resulted in Ian offering to either snap off, bite off or otherwise remove a vital piece of the miscreant's anatomy in return.
The three musketeers waited patiently for the Police to arrive and remove said scumbag to the protection of a police station - the wait was some 15 minutes: "Now you know how we feel when we call the Police," opined said Goose to PC Buckley....
There you are, peacefully going about your business thieving from young women in a Chemists, and outside you come face to face with Buckley, Gormley and Lewis, the toughest cookies in the club.....poor bastard....

Daily Mail Monday 18th.
Another classic football managers howler that should go down in the annals of sporting gobbledygook
Cardiff City who deep in financial doggy do and their manager, Dave Jones, commenting on their best cup run since 1927………….
 “It’s a long season and we turned the corner two months ago. But it is a big bend and we’re still turning it.”

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
£280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it.'
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joe
told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£280,000 mortgage & no bike....

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